In American Football, referees throw yellow flags onto the field whenever a player commits a penalty, whether it be lining up incorrectly or suplexing someone five times in a row so hard that it makes Zangief look like Hello Kitty, the entire team feels the impact of the play by either loss of down or yards. In a lot of cases, a penalty can mean the difference between getting a game-winning touchdown or having to punt it away.
In Walgreens, people are douchebags in the drive-thru but do not get any official penalties because "wah wah convenience."
I decided that was enough, and, as of today, I have officially implemented the Flag System for use in Drive-Thru. I'm pretty conservative with my penalties since I'm an equal-opportunity offender. However, I do make a few exceptions to the rules, notably:
- The patient for whom the prescription is written for is a child of less than 12 years of age (because medicine treats 12 year olds like an adult in terms of dosing medication AKA "they'll live") and the medication is for pain, an antibiotic, or seizure medicine. ADD medications do not count for this exception because the parents want them far more often than their kids do and pressure their doctors to write scripts for the most expensive ones available for everyone's tax dollars to pay for.
- The patient is a frequent customer who, the vast majority of the time, is actually a pretty nice person.
- The patient is noticeably injured and couldn't possibly be faking urgency of needing medication (I couldn't tell you how many times people have come in bleeding and how many of their prescriptions have had blood on them, but crutches in the back seat count too).
- The patient is not "waiting" for the prescription. I say "waiting" because half the prescriptions we delete are for those who are "waiting." If you were a big enough dick to someone to pressure them into going faster, the least you could do is come back and get the prescription that your tax dollars or insurance paid for. Obviously those who can't afford it are spared from being douchebags, as more often than not they will not be told the final price until the prescription has been adjudicated through the insurance and blah blah blah OUR HEALTH CARE SYSTEM FUCKING BLOWS.
Unlike American Football, I do not actually throw a flag or announce what the penalty is. I just tell them when to come back and leave it at that. So, like Football (Soccer). Also, unlike American Football, penalties stack rather than being declined by the opposing team. So yes, I have artificially increased wait times by as much as 45 minutes despite us being completely dead before. Seems pretty fair to me.
Offense - Explanation - Penalty (Average Wait Time, sans Penalties, is about 10-15 minutes, just for measure)
- Offsides - The person doing all the talking is in the back or passenger seat of the car, where they cannot be heard and could easily let the driver do all the talking but somehow won't let them. I don't understand how you can trust someone with your life by letting them drive you around in a two-ton vehicle of destruction but you won't tell them your date of birth or when you would like to pick up the prescription. - 5 Minutes for Passenger, 10 Minutes for Back Seat
- False Start - The patient hits the Call Button before they come to a complete stop. You'd be surprised at how many times this happens, which is why I leave the phone off the hook so that I and my coworkers don't have to hear every phone go off whenever there's an impatient fuck outside. It still happens, and you would think that someone who "has pain" would take things slower. But they don't. - 10 Minutes
- Illegal Motion - The patient hits the Call Button despite knowing full well that the patient in the other lane is being helped and knowing that there is only one technician that works in the Drive-Thru at any given time. - 10 Minutes
- Grabbing (Own) Facemask - The patient refuses to talk, or give any information when asked. This ranges from staying silent after being greeted to saying "it's on there" when asked any information. Do people do this everywhere they go or something? I thought Americans were the loudest people in the world, it makes no sense to not give important information out to people that are trying to help you. I don't go to the doctor when I'm sick, and when asked what's wrong, go, "I dunno. Fix it." - 5-15 Minutes, depending on severity
- Equipment Violation - Cell phones. Put them down when talking to others. I can give a little lenience if the conversation is about the sickness/injury/procedure but if it's a personal call about how drunk you're going to get at the kegger, you're going to get hit hard. - 10-20 minutes
- Too Many Men on the Field - Giving prescriptions for at least three people in one trip. Technically this shouldn't be a penalty because it only makes sense to tell people to wait longer if there are more scripts to fill, but people don't seem to understand this and demand that they all get filled "as soon as possible." An exception is given if all are by the same doctor on the same day because it's clear that there is a family illness (see ADD-exception), but if it's for people of different last names with a variety of dates and prescriptions types, then it's pretty clear there's some foul play involved. 15 Minutes for parties of three patients, increases 10 Minutes for each patient after that.
- Tripping - The patient is obviously intoxicated. Since Walgreens is selling alcohol in the near future, the training specifically states that we cannot sell alcohol to customers who are obviously drunk. Perhaps we should do the same for people who want prescriptions for pain medications who are obviously stoned out of their minds, but Walgreens would never do this since 75% of the company's profits come from prescriptions. Regardless, it's obvious the patient doesn't need the medication because it's clear they have some. Besides, it's illegal to drive around intoxicated on prescription medication anyway, the penalty should technically be "removal from game" (arrested) because we're on such good terms with police officers. But, alas, it's too much trouble as far as the company is concerned. - 15 Minutes
- Arguing with the Referee - Scott Brown says it best. - 20 Minutes
- Excessive Celebration - Loud car engines or speakers and showing disgust when being asked to turn either of them off. If your car engine is so loud that I can hear it through brick, mortar, and bullet-proof glass, you've got more problems on hand than what your prescription will fix. Just come inside. - 10 Minutes, 20 Minutes for people riding on Harleys
- Delay of Game - This ranges from taking too long to get prescriptions or reliable information to having your prescription getting blow away by the wind because instead of placing the prescription down onto the tray, you decided to try and throw it in there knowing full well that your arm is outdoors. Now I have to wait for you to come back and retrieve the papers because you thought it would be quicker to not take care of your documents (which, if it had worked in the first place, would have saved maybe two seconds on average). - 5-15 Minutes
- Unsportsmanlike Conduct - The patient is a perpetual asshole and there is no way to make them happy. - 30 Minutes - Ejection
Now, some may say that it's unethical to treat patients as though they have the problems, that it's unprofessional to do something like this when it comes to healthcare. And maybe this is true. But then I tell people that
I base this system off of American Football and then they're suddenly okay with it. I can have my revenge on people who treat me like dirt, and people are reminded that they like Football. Everybody wins!
The President has this all wrong. If he had put in a couple of Football metaphors into his Healthcare plan, we'd be able to buy insurance through a public exchange and Glenn Beck would have shut up by now.
THEN everybody would win.
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